Hello! I am excited to share a guest post with you today! A friend shared this article a week ago with me and I loved it! In fact, I loved it so much I contacted Karla Williams, the author, and asked her permission to share it with you on Give1Save1! Karla is the mother of six children through adoption, an author, and a radio host. Find out more about Karla at her website Family By Design. And now, I will quit typing and let you read her post!
This article has been months in the making. Last
fall, I dabbled around with how I wanted to shed light on this subject
in light of my own experience. At the time, I decided to hold off until I
got the perspective of others, their experiences and the needs they
feel are being met and those that are not. So I set off to gather
information from several in-person and on-line groups of foster and
adoptive families across the U.S. and came up with some of the most
pressing needs of their families as part of a body of believers. First I
will share my experience and then I will share what my research
revealed is taking place in a lot of churches across our country
regarding foster care and adoption.
If
you follow my blog and radio program, you know much of my story, so I
will not burden you with all of the details. For my new
readers/listeners, I will share just enough for you to know my back
ground.
After
several miscarriages, my husband and I realized that our goal was to be
parents and that pregnancy was only one of the ways we could accomplish
this. We set out on the road toward adoption and our immediate family
and friends were thrilled to see our dreams of parenthood coming to
past. We had celebrations & showers to commemorate the upcoming
occasion after we were matched with 2 beautiful children and later that
year, their infant brother. We were now parents of 3 children! WOW!
At
the time we had been part of a church for many years and had lots of
people around us cheering us on.....until the children came home (cue
the mystery music). Most people bring home one baby at once. We had 3 in
a matter of months....2 walking (or should I say running) and a
newborn. We were both elated and exhausted at the same time. Imagine my
horror when I am told that my family does not qualify for the service
extended to new biological mom's after birth. Our church had a
department that focused on providing meals for moms a few weeks
following birth. I was a proud part of this department. I LOVED doing
this for new families! I DID NOT QUALIFY! No, I did not have to recover
physically from labor, but should that have been the criteria? I never
made a noise about it, but I must admit it hurt deeper than they ever
could have realized. I had not 1, not 2 but 3 new kids in my home and I
did not qualify because I did not give birth to them. I took it VERY
personal. I continued to serve in this department and let it go. After a
few more families in the church adopted, I began to notice that it was
not personal at all. They did not qualify either. Rather than being a
personal issue against me, I began to see it was more a perspective on
adoption being a 2nd rate choice or a sub-family option. I also noticed
that key leaders in the church that adopted were not even celebrated but
other leaders who gave birth had the red carpet rolled out for them. I
personally took on the role of celebrating these families because I knew
what it felt like.
We
remained in this church far more years than we should have simply
because there were many good things about it. Over the years similar
things happened that showed me that I was surrounded by people that did
not get adoptive/foster family dynamics. They had no clue what made our
family tick or operate differently than others. I remember taking my
infant son to church for the first time and trying to find someone to
take my place in a department so I could be with him. I had blank stares
and confusion as to why I could not perform my duties that day. He was 2
months old, on a heart monitor and I had him in my care for 3 days at
that point. I became irate with the person I was speaking with and said,
"If you gave birth to a newborn 3 days ago, I would not expect you to
be away from him." Light bulbs simply did not go off! I let it go and
continued to serve. See a pattern here? The more and more I was involved
the more and more difficult it became to juggle my previous commitments
in the church. I was a minister and I was expected to have a higher
level of involvement. Although other moms who had given birth were
cleared to take as much time off as they needed, I was not. I took it
anyway and the results became clear. I was not considered "reliable"
anymore. This grew into resentment, depression and a host of other
feelings. On top of these issues were the expectations that my children
that have experienced trauma should develop and be perfect like everyone
else's (no one is perfect). When an issue arrived that was related to
their background, there was little compassion or understanding. This
hurt immensely!
We
are no longer at that church or even in the same city any more. I am
thankful that I am a part of an awesome body of believers that value,
support and nurture my family!
From
my research and polls, there are different kinds of churches when it
comes to the acceptance and support of foster/adoptive families.
"See, We are Saving the World" Congregation
You
have the church that focuses their entire vision on missions and
adoption. On Sunday it looks like a UN Summit as you glance across the
congregation. Is there anything wrong with that? Not totally. At a
desperate point in your life when you need help, the last thing you want
to be is the "one who needed saving" unless we are talking about
salvation through Jesus Christ. Everything is so focused on how
wonderful these parents are for saving these poor, destitute children
from all over the world that the actual needs and identity of the
children is compromised. I call them the James 1:27 church. Though this
scripture clearly states what we should do to support and visit the
orphans & widows, this becomes a complete doctrine in this church.
If you are not a foster or adoptive family in this church, you may feel a
bit uncomfortable because they feel EVERYONE should do it.
"Indifferent" Congregation
This
church could take or leave foster care or adoption. They have too many
other things to focus on. If you are a member and you decide to do it,
you may or may not have support. There are no special groups or supports
built into the ministry so you will need to seek that outside of the
church. There may be myths fostered by the congregation that children in
foster care are damaged or somehow not as good as other children. This
is not the kind of church that you need if you are looking for
community, support and someone to understand the unique needs of an
adoptive family.
"Open" Congregation
I
love this church! This church is open. They don't have a lot of
experience with this sort of thing but are open to it. Willing to
explore and provide what is needed as the growing need arises. They want
to service the needs of their members in any way possible even if it
has not been done there before.
"Supportive" Congregation
This
is the well balanced congregation. Not only do they recognize that
adoptive families have needs, they recognize seniors, special needs
families, business professionals and more. They thrive off of supporting
a wide variety of needs for their congregation. I am proud to say that I
attend a church such as this.
HOW DO CHURCHES NURTURE THESE FAMILIES?
Myself
and other adoptive families are not saying that every church should
stop what they are doing and put all their money and efforts into foster
care and adoption. I am saying that a balanced church recognizes the
needs of their congregation, educates themselves on things that are
unfamiliar such as adoption to better serve their people. Below are the
TOP 5 things that adoptive families surveyed felt a supportive church
has.
1 An
adoption/foster friendly church has leaders that understand that
adoptive families have unique needs and are willing to help support
them. They may not have adopted or fostered themselves but they
recognize that these families need to be nurtured in ways that
biological families may not need.
2
An adoption/foster friendly church is a diverse body of believers that
welcome families of other ethnic groups as part of their church family.
3
An adoption/foster friendly church educates children's workers and
leaders on handling unique situations dealing with children who have
experienced trauma so that the families are not left feeling
misunderstood or alienated due to a child's struggles.
4
An adoption/foster friendly church recognizes adoptive families in the
same way as they do biological families and extends the same love,
nurturing and privileges to them as well. Families are not made to feel
like their children are not good enough or "different" because they are
adopted.
5
An adoption/foster friendly church supports adoptive families
emotionally as they parent their children who are hurting and healing
for years to come. This could be done through a church support
group, materials or referrals.
The
church has spoken! Or should I say the adoptive/foster families in our
churches have spoken. Let the church say AMEN! If you want more
information on starting an adoption & foster care group in your
church (with the blessing & support of your pastor), here are a few
resources!
"Launching an Orphans Ministry in Your Church" by Jason Weber
"Your Church and the Orphan" by Hope for Orphans
