Guest Post by Ashlee: Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family

Hello! I have another great guest post to share with you! I came across this blog post a few weeks ago and knew I wanted to share it with you! I asked Ashlee and she graciously allowed me to guest post it on Give1Save1 Europe! We all know that adoption isn't easy! This post would be great to share with your family and friends before you bring your child home!

About eighteen months ago our family expanded through the adoption of two children. We have learned so much and the family and friends who love and support our family have also learned a lot. Though we had previous parenting experience, this journey has had it's own unique joys and challenges.

Many adoptive families give written advice and suggestions to friends and family prior to the new child's arrival to help ensure a smooth transition. I didn't do this because I felt like it would be too difficult to put my wishes and feelings into words without sounding too harsh or controlling and honestly I did not really even know what to say. However, after being home for almost a year and a half, it is clear that most people have great intentions but that they want and need suggestions for what they can do to help our adopted children integrate into our family and into the community. Here are a few thoughts about supporting an adoptive family. Most pertain to families who have adopted internationally and also to those who have adopted through the domestic route. It was compiled based on our experience and also on the experiences of a few dozen other adoptive parents who contributed their ideas and suggestions.

Our children are not necessarily grateful to have been adopted. And we don't expect them to be. It is not that our kids don't notice the stability of a family. It's not that they don't cherish the love that they are receiving or that they don't like their new life. It is because children are programmed to need, want and expect love. When we provide it we are not heroes, we are simply meeting one of their very basic needs. Expecting adopted children to be grateful for being adopted is like expecting our biological children to be grateful for being conceived. It was a choice that we, their parents, made and that they were brought into.

Please don't feed my kids. 
For children who have known hunger, food means love. We want them to learn to love us, their parents and siblings, before they bond with extended family, neighbors and friends. I know that they stare longingly at anything edible. I know that our two year old puts his head on the table and looks at you with puppy dog eyes. But since we were not there to meet their early needs (breast or bottle feeding, comforting them when they were sick, changing diapers, kissing boo boos) we need to make up for it by meeting as many of their physical and emotional needs as possible now. Many adopted children also have food insecurities. Some eat until they vomit and then start eating again. Others hoard food, needing the comfort of knowing that there is some saved for later. It is best to leave all feeding to the parents unless specifically directed otherwise.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.  We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children. 
Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family,  please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment!

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.
Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Our adopted children had lives before they joined our family. 
They had/have birth families and other relatives who are important to them and who deserve recognition and credit too. They have had life experiences that, while sometimes different than ours, are still special and valuable.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children. 
We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

If you would like to give a gift to our new child, please consider something small that the whole family can enjoy together.
A few ideas are a frozen meal, a gift card to the movies, a small ornament commemorating the adoption or art supplies for all of the kids to share. We know that you want to welcome our new additions but gifts can be overwhelming for children who have had few material possessions. Also, we want our children to learn to love you for who you are, not for the fact that they hope they'll get another gift the next time they see you again. Other siblings may also experience jealousy and resentment if the new addition suddenly receives an armory of gifts and they are excluded.

Attachment takes time and work.It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value our friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children!

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.
All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Please do not ask adopted children if they like their new parents/family.
Adopted children do not usually get to hand pick their family. Adoption is similar to an arranged marriage and unique, sometimes very different people are brought together. With hard work and patience true love may grow. However, ask ANY child, biological or adopted (especially any older child!) if they like their parents and be prepared for some interesting answers!

It takes time to help children start to heal from a difficult past.
Just because they have been with us for a certain amount of time does not mean that the are "fixed". On the other hand, just because children are adopted does not necessarily mean that they will be any more difficult, defiant, less successful or anything else as teenagers or adults.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children. 
Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our new additions are not celebrities. We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful.

Our children may be "delayed" when they join our family but often they just need time.  
Adopted children are placed into environments that may be very different than anything they've ever experienced. They may be overstimulated, confused and sometimes there are language barriers. With time and patience most emotional, intellectual and physical delays will be overcome.

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt. 
We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.  As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children.

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".
If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities.

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it". Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances. 
Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption.

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.
If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

We appreciate that you care about our family. We cannot thank you enough for wanting to learn more about supporting and understanding the adoptive family and for helping make this transition as smooth as possible for all of us!

If you would like to read more about supporting adoptive families, adjustment and how you can help, "After the Airport" is a great blog post.  "I am not Super Mom: Ten things I want you to know about adoption" is another good read.

Originally posted by Ashlee on The Kitchen is Not My Office on Saturday, December 22, 2012. Reposted with Permission. View original post here: http://www.thekitchenisnotmyoffice.com/2012/12/supporting-and-understanding-adoptive.html 

Guest Post by Karla Williams: What is An Adoptive/Foster Friendly Church?

Hello! I am excited to share a guest post with you today! A friend shared this article a week ago with me and I loved it! In fact, I loved it so much I contacted Karla Williams, the author, and asked her permission to share it with you on Give1Save1! Karla is the mother of six children through adoption, an author, and a radio host. Find out more about Karla at her website Family By Design. And now, I will quit typing and let you read her post!

This article has been months in the making. Last fall, I dabbled around with how I wanted to shed light on this subject in light of my own experience. At the time, I decided to hold off until I got the perspective of others, their experiences and the needs they feel are being met and those that are not. So I set off to gather information from several in-person and on-line groups of foster and adoptive families across the U.S. and came up with some of the most pressing needs of their families as part of a body of believers. First I will share my experience and then I will share what my research revealed is taking place in a lot of churches across our country regarding foster care and adoption.

If you follow my blog and radio program, you know much of my story, so I will not burden you with all of the details. For my new readers/listeners, I will share just enough for you to know my back ground. 

After several miscarriages, my husband and I realized that our goal was to be parents and that pregnancy was only one of the ways we could accomplish this. We set out on the road toward adoption and our immediate family and friends were thrilled to see our dreams of parenthood coming to past. We had celebrations & showers to commemorate the upcoming occasion after we were matched with 2 beautiful children and later that year, their infant brother. We were now parents of 3 children! WOW! 

At the time we had been part of a church for many years and had lots of people around us cheering us on.....until the children came home (cue the mystery music). Most people bring home one baby at once. We had 3 in a matter of months....2 walking (or should I say running) and a newborn. We were both elated and exhausted at the same time. Imagine my horror when I am told that my family does not qualify for the service extended to new biological mom's after birth. Our church had a department that focused on providing meals for moms a few weeks following birth. I was a proud part of this department. I LOVED doing this for new families! I DID NOT QUALIFY! No, I did not have to recover physically from labor, but should that have been the criteria? I never made a noise about it, but I must admit it hurt deeper than they ever could have realized. I had not 1, not 2 but 3 new kids in my home and I did not qualify because I did not give birth to them. I took it VERY personal. I continued to serve in this department and let it go. After a few more families in the church adopted, I began to notice that it was not personal at all. They did not qualify either. Rather than being a personal issue against me, I began to see it was more a perspective on adoption being a 2nd rate choice or a sub-family option. I also noticed that key leaders in the church that adopted were not even celebrated but other leaders who gave birth had the red carpet rolled out for them. I personally took on the role of celebrating these families because I knew what it felt like. 

We remained in this church far more years than we should have simply because there were many good things about it. Over the years similar things happened that showed me that I was surrounded by people that did not get adoptive/foster family dynamics. They had no clue what made our family tick or operate differently than others. I remember taking my infant son to church for the first time and trying to find someone to take my place in a department so I could be with him. I had blank stares and confusion as to why I could not perform my duties that day. He was 2 months old, on a heart monitor and I had him in my care for 3 days at that point. I became irate with the person I was speaking with and said, "If you gave birth to a newborn 3 days ago, I would not expect you to be away from him." Light bulbs simply did not go off!  I let it go and continued to serve. See a pattern here? The more and more I was involved the more and more difficult it became to juggle my previous commitments in the church. I was a minister and I was expected to have a higher level of involvement. Although other moms who had given birth were cleared to take as much time off as they needed, I was not. I took it anyway and the results became clear. I was not considered "reliable" anymore.  This grew into resentment, depression and a host of other feelings. On top of these issues were the expectations that my children that have experienced trauma should develop and be perfect like everyone else's (no one is perfect). When an issue arrived that was related to their background, there was little compassion or understanding. This hurt immensely! 

We are no longer at that church or even in the same city any more. I am thankful that I am a part of an awesome body of believers that value, support and nurture my family! 

From my research and polls, there are different kinds of churches when it comes to the acceptance and support of foster/adoptive families.

"See, We are Saving the World" Congregation

You have the church that focuses their entire vision on missions and adoption. On Sunday it looks like a UN Summit as you glance across the congregation. Is there anything wrong with that? Not totally. At a desperate point in your life when you need help, the last thing you want to be is the "one who needed saving" unless we are talking about salvation through Jesus Christ.  Everything is so focused on how wonderful these parents are for saving these poor, destitute children from all over the world that the actual needs and identity of the children is compromised. I call them the James 1:27 church. Though this scripture clearly states what we should do to support and visit the orphans & widows, this becomes a complete doctrine in this church. If you are not a foster or adoptive family in this church, you may feel a bit uncomfortable because they feel EVERYONE should do it.

"Indifferent" Congregation

This church could take or leave foster care or adoption. They have too many other things to focus on. If you are a member and you decide to do it, you may or may not have support. There are no special groups or supports built into the ministry so you will need to seek that outside of the church. There may be myths fostered by the congregation that children in foster care are damaged or somehow not as good as other children. This is not the kind of church that you need if you are looking for community, support and someone to understand the unique needs of an adoptive family.

"Open" Congregation

I love this church! This church is open. They don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing but are open to it. Willing to explore and provide what is needed as the growing need arises. They want to service the needs of their members in any way possible even if it has not been done there before.

"Supportive" Congregation

This is the well balanced congregation. Not only do they recognize that adoptive families have needs, they recognize seniors, special needs families, business professionals and more. They thrive off of supporting a wide variety of needs for their congregation. I am proud to say that I attend a church such as this.

HOW DO CHURCHES NURTURE THESE FAMILIES?

Myself and other adoptive families are not saying that every church should stop what they are doing and put all their money and efforts into foster care and adoption. I am saying that a balanced church recognizes the needs of their congregation, educates themselves on things that are unfamiliar such as adoption to better serve their people. Below are the TOP 5 things that adoptive families surveyed felt a supportive church has.

1 An adoption/foster friendly church has leaders that understand that adoptive families have unique needs and are willing to help support them. They may not have adopted or fostered themselves but they recognize that these families need to be nurtured in ways that biological families may not need.

2 An adoption/foster friendly church is a diverse body of believers that welcome families of other ethnic groups as part of their church family.

3 An adoption/foster friendly church educates children's workers and leaders on handling unique situations dealing with children who have experienced trauma so that the families are not left feeling misunderstood or alienated due to a child's struggles.

4 An adoption/foster friendly church recognizes adoptive families in the same way as they do biological families and extends the same love, nurturing and privileges to them as well. Families are not made to feel like their children are not good enough or "different" because they are adopted.

5 An adoption/foster friendly church supports adoptive families emotionally as they parent their children who are hurting and healing for years to come. This could be done through a church support group, materials or referrals. 

The church has spoken! Or should I say the adoptive/foster families in our churches have spoken. Let the church say AMEN! If you want more information on starting an adoption & foster care group in your church (with the blessing & support of your pastor), here are a few resources!

"Launching an Orphans Ministry in Your Church" by Jason Weber

"Your Church and the Orphan" by Hope for Orphans

Originally posted on Family by Design with Karla Marie Williams on February 23, 2012. Reposted with permission. View Original Post Here.